Physics Theoretical

by John A. Barrett

I've studied all the sciences in order alphabetical,
My judgment is, which some of you may find to be heretical,
The field that's really quite abstruse,
The field where all the screws come loose,
The field that's famous for its spoofs, is physics theoretical.

I've taken undergraduate work whose content is forgettable;
And graduate work is gen'rally regarded as regrettable.
The lecturers are all absurd.
A cogent word is never heard.
Insanity afflicts a third in physics theoretical.

We never do experiments; we shun the purely practical.
Our best work's done in getting grants--our budgets are fantastical.
In one respect our motive's pure:
Though funding fails, we still endure--
We make damn sure our job's secure in physics theoretical.

Our scientific breakthroughs are, to say the least, debatable.
We laugh at critics haughtily; our egos are inflatable.
The rest of science goes along,
Because our last defense is strong:
It's hard to prove we're ever wrong in physics theoretical.

Homework Bound

by Feynman and Garfunkel

I'm sittin' in the railway station, got a ticket for my destination (mmmm)
I'm off to University, I'm goin to get my BSc
Because it is the best degree To put Physics on my C.V.

Homework bound
No time to pause
Homework bound
Homework - but my thoughts keep straying
Homework - there is no escaping
Homework - or an F lies waiting
Silently for me

Every day's an endless stream
Of lectures books and magazines
But each class looks the same to me
Derivatives are all I see
Or integrals dxyz
I need another pot of coffee

Homework bound
No time to pause
Homework bound
Homework - but my thoughts keep straying
Homework - there is no escaping
Homework - or an F lies waiting
Silently for me

Tonight I'll hit the books again
With some paper and a pen (mmmm)
Assignments coming back to me
With shades of mediocrity
The marker writes "It's plain to see
The time has come when you should be homework bound"
Oh, no time to pause
Homework bound!

I Want to be Prepared

Subject: Electromagnetism

I was just studying
You know what I mean
'Cause when the midterm comes
I want to be prepared
Now I've read the book cover to cover (ooh)
And I've started pulling hair

Well I learned that the curl of E
Is minus dB/dt
So in the static case
It isn't even there
And charge density is divergence (ooh)
Of displacement but, who cares?

And magnetic field
Has J for curl's yield
Keep dD/dt in mind

And since monopoles we lack
Except that one way way way back
That means the 'div' of B
Can safely be ignored
Now I need just one more pot of coffee (ooh)
So i don't get over bored ((overboard?)

repeat first verse

You May be Right

Tune: Billy Joel

Monday nights can be so cruddy
Tuesday nights you have to study
Wednesday nights you hit the books again
'Cause exam time's comin' soon
You can't put it off til June
By the start of May, there's nothing you can change

So now we hit the end of classes
Its too late to change your glasses
Review your notes and you should be ok
Don't go hiding in the John
Or you'll be wondering how long
You can stand to hear the faucet drip again

Review

Subject: Statistical Mechanics

The final exam period's gonna be here soon
You're gonna be a spendin lot of time in your room
You gotta study hard or you'll be singin the blues
Won't ya let me take ya on a review

We probably began with a statistics review
Where Insufficient Reason told us what we should do
We counted ways of doing things and when we were through
We had a way of guessing that was usually true

Oh review, review baby
Review, review baby
Review, review baby
Won't ya let me take ya on a review

Well if you feel like studying
That would be just fine with me
I have to mark fairly
And I'd hate to have to give you a 'D'
(Dee dee dee dee)

You'll have to check back later for the rest of this one. Its been 5 years and I can't find the rest of the lyrics right now. At the time I managed to work in everything from Saddle Point calculations to the Grand Canonical Partition Function.

Physics Lasts for So Long

by: Anthony Gannon anthonyg@netdoor.com

I hear the clock, it's 5 A.M.
I feel so near me greatest fear,
I grab my notes I grab my Physics book too,
I'm sick of it all, even Chapter 2.
I rip my book and bear a smile face
I need a bonfire in my brand new place,
Wipe the spots off of the keypad,
I leave my dreams at my door.
I never leave my TI on the floor anymore,

Cuz Physics lasts for so long
Even after it's gone I know,
it still haunts me and soon you will see,
I'm going crazy, all because of it.

I called my professor he was out for a walk,
Consoled a classmate but he didn't want to talk,
so I picked up my paper it was more bad news :
More velocities ungiven, more torques being used!
Found the density of the pouring rain,
I got an answer but it wasn't the same cos
I was happy, but it was sad and it made me miss the next one oh so bad!

Cuz physics lasts for so long
Even after it's gone I know,
It still haunts me and soon you will see,
I'm going crazy, all because of it.

So I go about my business, I'm doing fine
Besides what would I do if I took it one more time?
Same old story, not much to say.
Minds are broken every day.

I burn my book and I clean up the ashes,
I know he hates it when I play with matches.
Then I pick up my paper and put my calculator down,
and I take a deep breath, and a good look around.
Put on my backpack and I walk out of class.
I'm half-alive and that test kicked my ass.
I try and tell myself it'll all be alright,
I won't have to study, again tonight!

But physics lasts for so long
Even after it's gone I know,
It still haunts me and soon you will see,
I'm going crazy, all because of it.

I'm going crazy, all because of it....